Bleeding For The Wrong Reasons
by Stranger In Training
Summary: Luke saved him from loneliness. He needed to thank him in some way. Maybe he didn't deserve to be thanked but he couldn't just leave, he needed to stay for the band, for James. Jagan. M for self-harm and maybe other things in future chapters.
1. Intoduction

**Alright, so this is **kinda **a birthday present for ****ChaoticLullaby.x**_. _**We've got chatting and it turns out she has the same birthday as me and even though it's still a month or so away, I feel I have to thank her in some way for being such a cool person to talk to.  
><em>She <em>came up with the storyline so I take no credit for that but I am writing it for her.**

**I guess all I own here is the actual writing :L...**

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><p>Logan smiled at the mirror in front of him, finding it disturbing to see something that was meant to be used as a nice gesture instead used in a false and completely misunderstood way. As he looked down at the piece of stray glass that laid on the side of the sink next to a pill, he weighed his options out once more. Luke had given him this pill to take and even though he was sure Luke wouldn't try to harm him in anyway, he also knew drugs and just like the rest, he was sure he would come up in some kind of reaction that was defiantly not normal.<p>

Luke was his boyfriend, after he had come out, not a lot of people had taken it as well as he had hoped. His best friends and parents had become accustomed to it but everyone else that had been apart of his life didn't quite take it as well. Camille had taken it on the head, for some reason not at all surprised and not taking it as bad as she should have. Neither a smack nor a word of anger had fallen from her; instead she had hugged him and decided on friends. She had even stuck up for him a couple of times when new people had come to the Palm Woods and not found anything better to do with their time. Everything _was _perfect, everyone who he cared about still loved him but from a distance.

Luke had been the only one who had approached him, in a way _he _wanted. Luke had helped him come out of the ball he had made known and Logan in return had helped Luke overcome a previous heartbreak. Or so he liked to think. Luke constantly brought up the fact Logan could never live up to this other person and that he was pretty much worthless. Logan found not long after he had fallen in love with him that he had a drug problem and so he didn't really blame Luke's heartbreaking behaviour on him.

Luke had got him to try other drugs before, some being successful in the sense he hadn't passed out in the most convenient of times, others not as sucessful. He didn't mind really, he was helping Luke and every time something _was _okay, he would be happy and that's all that would matter to Logan.

He picked up the stray piece of glass in one hand and the pill in the other. He had no intention of killing himself but the release would have been amazing. Logan had only cut himself once and that was only because everything had gone red and he hadn't looked at the broken window as dangerous.

The release had been exactly what he was looking for. He could _see _how hurt he was, he hadn't just been feeling it. The blood that had come from his hand almost too fast was the pain. He could understand how he was feeling and the thought of it was extraordinary.

He knew right then, it would have been better to take the pill. The glass couldn't have done much, only made him bleed or at its extreme, put him in hospital and even if he did kill himself, he knew there wouldn't be much point to it.

If he took the drug and it killed him, yes, it could have been slow but at least some kind of help would have come out of it. Luke would have known it didn't work. He didn't want to leave anyone behind but with everyone keeping their distance, he couldn't see anyone missing him all that much.

He wanted to stay for Luke, he needed him, even if it was for anger realise. The band needed him too, he couldn't ruin James' dream just because he was too selfish to put up with one stupid fall back.

And as he put the pill to his mouth he couldn't help but hate James. James was the reason he was in this mess. He had come to terms with the fact he could never be with the stunning, perfect in every way James and he didn't want him now because well, he had Luke but he couldn't help but blame him for the fact he was the way he was.

As he swallowed the pill, he looked at the glass once more. He'd made his choice but he couldn't help but feel a need for it.

His thoughts were cut short by a loud knocking, causing his breath to catch in his throat.

"Dude! I need to piss! Open up or sleep in a wet bed!"

Any thought of pain left his mind at the sound of James' voice. He'd heard it so many times before but whenever he came close to any intentional pain, James would somehow find a way to be there. Strange coincidence but in a small way he always thankful afterwards.

He tucked the piece of glass into the back pocket of his pyjamas, exiting the bathroom and entering their shared bedroom in silence, watching James until he made eye contact and then he looked away, quickly climbing into bed and turning to face the wall, silent tears helping him sleep.

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><p><strong>Wayyyyy too slow of a start. Yeah yeah, I know. Sorry... This could have been a lot better. I think I put too much detail in...?<br>Bare with me. I'll make it good, or die trying!**

**Review? Please?  
>Thank you :).<strong>

**-C**


	2. Side affects

**So, I'm not actually that good at carrying on stories, or starting actually...which is why I took to the one shots but hey, why not? It's for a cool person.  
>Oh, and thank you:<br>**_CheekyBrunette.  
>TidusGt.<br>ChaoticLullaby.x.  
><em>**Seriously made me smile.**

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><p>Waking up was a terrible experience and Logan could feel an invisible weight trying to push him back down and that had him growling in frustration. The fact an actual weight barged into the room and decided to jump on him and scream in his ear didn't at all help.<p>

"CARLOS! Get off me! OW! You're crushing me!"

It was nice to know he hadn't lost his voice and as Carlos stilled and started to giggle he couldn't help but thank whatever it was that was making him sick for letting him keep his voice.

"Mama Knight said I had to come wake you up...SO GET UP LAZY ASS!"

Logan cringed and hid away from Carlos' ear piercing voice, unable to use the duvet for this when Carlos insisted on pulling it off of him.

The invisible weight continued to stay with him as he showered and got dress, having to sit down a couple of times just to stop himself from passing out. The journey from his bed to the kitchen table felt like a car ride away and taking his seat seemed like an effort.

"Gustavo wants us in the studio by eight, so hurry up people. Oh, hey Logan"

Logan smiled at Kendall, almost puking in the bowl of cereal in front of him as soggy chunks of wheat floated lazily around the bowl, too active for Logan's liking. He did manage to make a game of it, taking each mouthful as quickly as possible, believing that if he managed to swallow them without letting them make their way back into the bowl, he would win and the tasteless food wouldn't get to taunt him any further.

Putting on his jacket proved to be a hard task also but luckily enough for Logan, Carlos' jittery manner and James' words of vanity did keep them distracted and as far as they were concerned, he did it without any trouble. He stayed far behind the rest of them as they made their way to the taxi, not by choice though, he was constantly taking sneaky breaks.

Making his way into the taxi seemed to be some kind of reward as when he sat down, he almost immediately put his head back. Using the excuse of his early rising when anyone asked why he looked so tired.

He'd never noticed how physically active him and his friends normally were as when he made it into the studio, they were upstairs, leaving him behind to climb the stairs in agony. Entering Gustavo's office was degrading. Everyone was sitting and waiting, irritated looks shared between them.

"What the hell? Take your time?" He smiled at Carlos, apologizing and hating the fact he could make someone so bubbly look so irritated and miserable.

"Logan! If you want to be in the music business, you have to be on time!" Gustavo spoke, just about keeping his voice even.

"I know, sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me today." He wasn't completely lying; he didn't know what was wrong. He was too hot, too cold, everything tasted like copper and even though he felt light-headed he also felt he was having a fight with gravity. "Anyway, rehearsal guys, now!" The clapping of his own hands had him flinching and suppressing a whimper but before Gustavo could shout at him anymore, he was out of the room, running into the sound booth almost way too eagerly.

As usual, no one seemed to notice anything. He wasn't known for being sick and that upset Logan, they couldn't even take the time to notice Logan's unusual behaviour.

"Alright 'You're the one' from the top!"

And without even the chance to stop himself, he fell to the ground, bursting into tears, clutching his body and throwing his head back against the wall numerous amounts of times. It only worsened the head pain.

"Hey, hey, hey! Logan! What's wrong?"

He grabbed onto Kendall's t-shirt when he bent down to comfort him, clutching to the point that threads had started to break.

"I didn't learn it! I forgot! I-I never forget! Forgetting is the one thing I haven't failed at and now I've failed at that too! I'm so fucking stupid! I can't do anything right now! It's official! The only fucking degree I'm going to earn is a failing life!"

His own cries had his head thumping in disapproval and as this happened; he grabbed his head, crying in pain and frustration.

"Boys, take him home. We'll carry this on tomorrow."

Logan laughed lightly and even though to everyone else that may have looked insane, he couldn't help it. Gustavo had said the three words he had wanted to hear all morning and as he got up to thank Gustavo for his understanding, darkness took over and unconsciousness got the best of him.

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><p>He woke up with a nearly cleared head, smiling slightly and snuggling into his duvet as he turned to get comfortable. As he turned to face away from the wall, he noticed a passed out James sprawled out across his bed and he couldn't help but smile. As he got up, to secretly admire the other sleeping boy, he hit his foot, cursing quietly as he grabbed it.<p>

James was quick to wake up, immediately jumping to attention and falling off of the bed to make his way over to Logan as fast as possible.

"What? Are you ok? Why are you up? Lay back down!"

He shouldn't have but he couldn't help himself, he laughed, leaning over to pat James on the shoulder.

"Dude, I'm fine. Could have used you two seconds ago when the stubbing of my toe took place but well, we don't all get what we want."

As he spoke in slow soft words to stop the startled James from freaking out any further, James frowned, moving away and getting up to brush himself off, turning back into, normal, arrogant James.

"Mrs Knight insisted I look after you and well, we're always screwing up and if you die, I go to jail and then, no fame or girls for me. Although, girls dig the bad guy-"

Not giving James the chance to finish, Logan threw himself into his pillow groaning loudly to make sure James got the picture.

James got a picture but he was pretty sure he had given him the wrong one.

"Logan? What's wrong? Do you need a pain killer? Water? Something for your toe...?"

Logan looked up again, laughing at the naive James. Either way, he decided to take advantage of this on and off helpful James.

"No but a nice bowl of steaming hot chicken soup could save my appetite"

"One chicken soup coming right up!"

He watched him leave, smiling slightly at the way he seemed to actually care.

As he lent back, to rest his dying headache, his phone rang. He scrambled around the floor, looking for his jeans, not remembering taking them off for himself.

He flicked his phone open straight away when he found it and the screen read 'Luke'.

"Hey Luke" He did try to suppress any excitement. He hadn't spoken to his boyfriend all day and the actual fact he had cared enough to call had Logan's heart fluttering with excitement.

"Hey babe heard you were sick" Words like that had Logan smiling. He knew that if Luke had been there, he would have noticed straight away and not made him go through the trouble of getting up and forcing himself to go to work.

"Yeah but I'm fine now."

"Yeah, well we can try with another pill. I'll give it to you when I see you later." Luke spoke indifferently and as he said the words, Logan remembered, fighting the urge to face palm himself. Almost screaming at himself for not realising it sooner.

"Yeah sweetie. I'll speak to you later then?" Logan knew Luke wasn't one for unnecessary chatting, so he kept his words to a minimum.

"Oh by the way, sweetie. I have HIV. Don't worry, when he **finally **do it, we'll use protection."

Logan felt his heart sink, almost choking at the loss of air. He wasn't upset that Luke had to of been unfaithful, he expected it, he wasn't prepared to give out and just like every other human Luke had needs. He just hated the fact Luke hadn't used protection and was now so much closer to death than before.

The thought of losing Luke and living his life _alone _was terrifying and it had Logan swallowing a harsh lump in his throat and fighting back tears.

"Ok Lukie. I love you..."

"Yeah, yeah, see ya later."

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><p><strong>LL<strong>

**LOL, that was like **big **news and I made it sound so small like a cold which people insist on making a big deal...  
>Anyway, yeah.<strong>

**I see you favouriter's -_-'  
>Please review? :(<strong>

**-C**


	3. Pushing people up the wrong way

Logan winced as his back came in contact with the brick wall that was behind him, his shirt riding up and causing him to whine at the feeling of carpet burn.

"What do you mean it's my fault? I didn't ask for this fucking disease!" Luke urged closer, pressing their noses together. Logan did like when they nose touched but not when Luke was so tense and his face was all scrunched up, making it feel like he was pressing his face into a hard surface.

"Luke, I'm sorry. I-I didn't think. I'm so sorry. Please... Forgive me?" He'd been told he had puppy dog eyes and as he tried to use whatever expression this was he felt Luke's nose being replaced with his hot breath instead.

He hissed at the feeling of a cold blade as it pushed pass the skin and started to draw blood.

He'd caught him at the wrong time, said the wrong thing and he had _pushed _Luke.

"Next time Logie, I'll make it my mission to see that you get this too. I don't want that, you don't want that and well, keeping your mouth shut won't make me do anything I don't want to. Got that?"

Logan nodded, unable to do anything more as Luke let go of him and left him alone in an alley too far away from home for shaky legs to get him back with.

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>Logan woke up to cold material being placed on his wound and as he looked down he caught a glimpse of James pressing a cloth to the cut. At first, he relaxed into the touch but as soon as something else was added he withdrew, taking the stinging sensation quite badly.<p><p>

"Sorry. I'm using diluted dettol. That's ok right? Mrs Knight needs to go shopping and your psychology book said to use this..."

Logan's expression softened when he looked at James. His lucky white V-neck was covered in blood. His voice was so soft and he looked so hurt.

As he caught on to what James had just said, he frowned, trying to sit up but failed and went for the way he was.

"No, that's good but, you don't do psychology..."

"I know. I kinda read yours. Me and Carlos wanted to see what you found so interesting so we read it and... Well I just remembered some of it I guess"

"You would have had to of read quite far into the book to be able to handle open wounds with kitchen appliances...that's like advanced knowledge. It only has basic knowledge in that b-book." He fought the urge to push the cloth off as the stinging sensation came back when James placed the cloth back on his cut.

"Yeah well... This girl...she's cute! She wouldn't come out to the pool one day because she was reading and...I just really wanted and still want to know what she found so interesting... How her brain works and why-why she's just her..."

Honestly, Logan's heart fell. James seemed so serious about this new love interest, he'd never seen James hurt and right then he was experiencing it and oh boy, it wasn't nice.

"Ooh, James like a nerd. Very rare to find a hottie that is a nerd. Assignments must be fun." His words were so opposite and the fact he could relate made him wonder just how serious James was taking him.

"That's the thing; _she _doesn't like me because well, she's smart. I have the looks but well, advanced cuties can get anyone they want but at last, it's not me."

James spoke quietly and even though he was trying to hide the fact he was nearly in tears, Logan knew and the sight had his stomach turning. He sat up, leaning over to hug James. He knew James liked the occasional bromance hug but as the embrace was returned in this awkward position, he felt himself being readjusted so he was practically sitting on James' lap, a soothing circular motion taking place between James soft hand and his back.

"Logan?" Lost in the moment, Logan didn't hear James but when James pushed him up into a proper sitting position, he jumped, turning to face him.

"James? What are you doing?" He knew it wasn't but if it was what he was thinking he wouldn't have been sure if he would have had the will-power to make him stop.

"Oh my god, how the hell did you do that? Shit! Your back is scraped bad!"

He froze, remembering his misunderstanding with Luke. He knew Luke hadn't set out to hurt him but well, if he told, he knew James would take it the wrong way.

"I...er... Just playing around, carpet's rough, as I found out"

"Logie... You don't get all these cuts from rolling around on the carpet."

Logan flinched at the nickname, everyone used it but he wanted to stop that. It was Luke's name for him and that's how he liked it.

"James, it's four in the morning. Haven't you got some beauty sleep to be doing or lucky V-neck cleaning?"

"Tell me..." He got up to tower over him and to be honest, Logan was a little scared.

"James, tip when dating a nerd: Don't ask too many questions. It really grinds them up the wrong way."

"Fine Logan, you want to be a jerk, fine by me. I only gave up my date to take your sorry ass home but no, whatever."

Logan growled, refusing to give into the guilt act.

"Oh, I'm so sorry! Did you break your hand mirror? Did you have to take your tongue out of some sluts throat? I've missed dates because your dumbass couldn't do some simple homework, I gave up on Camille because you couldn't fucking help yourself!"

"Yeah but you didn't want any of them." James' indifferent tone and harsh words and Logan gaping in surprise. "Oh, please say you didn't."

"Now, I'm going to call her and _hopefully_ she's still into me."

"There's only enough room in your life for one person and that's you."

Something noticeable boiled up in James, making him lung forward with too much force and pin Logan against the sofa with the big muscled arms Logan had never seen in action. The look on his face told a future event that would take place if Logan pushed James anymore and that alone made Logan freeze.

James expression softened as he scanned the other boys face, automatically letting go and jumping off of him.

"I'm sorry. I-I didn't think. I'm so sorry Logan."

As the words fell from James' trembling lips, Logan couldn't help but remember his earlier conversation with Luke and as his own words for forgiveness played over in his mind, he fell speechless, unable to hate James or forgive James.

"Please... Forgive me Logan. I just- I-"

He put up his hand, "It's fine. Don't be sorry. It was my fault, I push people too much."

And without another word, Logan turned and made his way to his room, falling into bed fully clothed and pulling the duvet up to hide himself and his oncoming tears.

James had only tried to help and he'd _pushed _him. He always pushed.

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><p><strong>Thank you again for the nice comments :).<br>I hope to hear more...;).**

**-C**


	4. A new day

The next morning, Logan awoke feeling bright and ready for the day. Walking out of the bedroom and into the kitchen with a big 'The chances of me breaking down is virtually impossible' smile.

He avoided walking pass James, finding him to be very scary all of a sudden. He was used to violence but not from James and after experiencing just how much of a temper James actually had, he'd died a little inside, unable to believe the fact he'd managed to make such a smiling guy so angry had him wishing that when Carlos lent over to punch him in the shoulder playfully, he had did it with enough force to knock him out.

He turned to laugh at Carlos and playfully nudge him back, not wanting James' attention but somehow wanting it away from the spoon James was pouting into.

"Dude! You're not gunna freak out and start on death threats again today are you? Man! You scared us!"

He laughed at Carlos, refusing to make eye contact as he masked his humiliation with half-hearted laughter.

"Nope! Not unless Taylor Lautner walks into the room or something!"

"Oh man! You're like one of those weird girls down at the pool!"

He loves that he could make Carlos cringe.

"Now now ladies!" Kendall chimed coming to sit in between the both of them.

Logan smiled, turning to look at James again when his view of Carlos was obscured. James looked like he hadn't slept one bit, eyes holding dark bags under them and it made him wonder just how bad James had taken their little argument.

Had he made him think of this special someone? Had he hurt his ego? Or, had he made him realise just how much of a jerk he really was?

As unanswered questions ran over and over in his mind, Katie spoke up.

"James! Either marry yourself or eat that mushy looking stuff. It looks like you drowned a village in there"

Remembering yesterday at the breakfast table when no one had taken the time to notice just how badly he was in need of a friend and not being a hypocrite, Logan spoke.

"You alright?"

He couldn't tell if the surprised expression had come from the fact someone had actually cared enough to ask or that the caring had come from him.

"Yeah. Just...tired." James smiled, blinking slowly to show just how tired he really was.

Logan nodded, watching James dunk what had been his excuse for vanity, into his bowl of soggy cereal.

The car ride was oddly nice, loads of arguments taking place between his friends in the background and as he read over the song he had been taken home for 'forgetting' the previous day. He had another song in mind, not remembering where he had picked it up from but not hating himself for remembering it.

"_I'll sing a melody and hope to God he's listening, sleeping softly while I sing and I'll be your memories your lullaby for all the times hoping that my voice could get it right_"

He smiled widely loving the fact an old classic could just come to mind so easily but when he looked up, (he noticed James who had weaved himself out of the stupid debate) staring at him in what looked like embarrassment but what he assumed to be confusion.

"What? You have to remember that song!"

James smiled, nodding once before flicking his ear.

"What was that for?" Logan screamed, slapping him with the papers.

"Because I like to watch you cry!" James laughed moving as far away as possible in the compacted space as Logan slapped and whined at him.

He accepted the fireman's lift James didn't really offer into the studio, pouting at Carlos when he dared to call him tiny.

"Logan!"

Logan jumped at the calling of his name, jumping out of the laughing James' hold before spinning round to face Gustavo.

"Yes sir! I mean boss. I mean-"

"Office, now. The rest of you dogs wait I'm the studio!"

Logan groaned giving a worried look to Kelly and his band mates.

Walking into Gustavo's office and trying to find anything he could defend himself with, Logan turned to face Gustavo.

"Logan, what was yesterday about?"

He sighed, smiling at Kelly before daring to speak to his boss. "I don't know. Sorry. Nervous breakdown I guess? Won't happen again".

"It better not!" he flinched hiding himself from Gustavo even though he knew he wouldn't go as far as hitting, "But if you ever need time off. Let me know."

He smiled at Gustavo, shocked to see just how understanding he could actually be.

"Thank you Gustavo but well...I don't think I'll need any more time off."

"Good. Now get to work!"

He smirked, opening his arms to gesture an inviting hug.

"What are you doing?" Gustavo asked, stepping back, knowing very well what he meant but he was too stubborn and too power hungry to accept it.

"Hugging you" Logan grinned jumping forward to embrace him.

"Logan! Get to work!"

Smiling once at the grinning Kelly, he nodded, running out to join his friends in the studio.

"Oh, there you are. We were just arranging your funeral." Kendall spoke, and obviously joking, in a sick way.

Logan laughed, grabbing the mic to hit him with just to show how _not_ funny the actual joke was.

"Did he get you to write out your will or not?"

He smirked at his friends, putting on the headphones to avoid the question. Not that he had had some big issue with telling them about his meeting with Gustavo but the saying 'Why the hell not' could have describe his reason perfectly.

As they sang (Logan finally feeling confident to do so), he watched James, so surprised at how preoccupied and playful James really was. He didn't dare put a hair back into place once and by the end of the song when James had finished his debatable dancing with Carlos and head banging with anyone that joined him, Logan giggled feeling the adrenaline rubbing off on him.

"That was epic!" Carlos grinned, punching the air.

"Good work boys! James, calm down. Take five."

"Last one outs a rotten egg!" James grinned, ignoring Gustavo.

Watching Carlos push Kendall and run out of the door from angry, on his trail Kendall, James turned to Logan, finally calm.

"I'm sorry I was a jerk. I was just tired...annoyed."

Logan shook his head, "No its my fault, I was just being awkward..."

James chuckled, walking over to the door to open it for himself and Logan, "You're too forgiving for your own good".

Smiling, Logan took the nice gesture, walking out of the door to join his friends.

"Logie."

Something stopped within Logan, if it was his heart or his moment of happiness, he wasn't sur. But the hug he was drawn into hid him away and he took it as an excuse not to think about it.

"Hey Luke." He breathed, looking up at him through dark lashes and puppy dog eyes.

"Hey sweetie" The smile was sweet, so friendly and it hurt Logan, he hated the fact Luke would just switch moods and he would have to put up with it.

"Ewww!" Carlos shrieked mockingly. Logan looked at him, half hoping he'll get his secret message and pull him away from him.

He didn't though, he carried on his childish taunting and the apparent smart and all wise Kendall joined in, making silly facing _with _Carlos. Luke loved it, going along with it, kissing him on the cheeks, forehead, chin, eyes, each time branding him with another reason he hated the never ending moment.

"Oh shush, you guys are just jealous" Luke joked and well, Logan wouldn't even call that a joke. After last night he wouldn't be able to understand their jealousy.

Luke seems to catch on in some way, stopping to look Logan in the eyes, smiling sympathetically before leaning in to kiss him and Logan hungrily excepts it because that's the only apology he's going to get, sometimes he's lucky if he even gets that.

"I love you" Luke whispers, placing a hand round his neck so he can draw him closer and let their lips touch. He prefers this Luke; he can touch faces with this Luke and not feel the need to worry. His heart aches again and he hates the way he's so indecisive, he wants the blade to his stomach again. He wants to drown out the uncertainty with any other kind of hurt.

"Oh come on! Get a room guys!" He laughs, turning to Kendall, sticking out his tongue. The misinterpreted smile, it comes but it never goes.

He only remembers James' presence when he notices him standing next to the other two, somehow still looking alone and out of place. His face is written with the pain Logan wishes he could put across. His mouth is drawn tight into a fine line, his eyebrows are furrowed together and his eyes are shiny with unshed tears.

He wonders if James can see through his smile, he hopes it, he really does but at the same time, he doesn't want anything to be done about it, he loves Luke, he wants to stay with Luke and he knows no one would understand if they did see through the smile.

"Baby?"

"Yes?" He hums, tearing his eyes away from James, cursing at himself for looking at him for too long.

"I have to go"

And Logan hates himself once again; he's not appreciated his company and now he's leaving. When Luke grabs his hand, he holds it tight, somewhat wishing he'll stay. Luke smiles, as if remembering something and for a second he hopes it's another kiss. When he feels Luke placing something into his hand, his eyes fall to it, trying to keep it sly as he realises it's a new drug of his.

"I forgot to give it to you yesterday." Luke whispers in his ear, kissing his earlobe gently before saying his goodbyes and turning to walk away.

"You guys are way to lovey dovey, sorta sickening." Kendall smiles, patting him on the shoulder in a friendly gesture before turning to make his way back into the studio. He laughs weakly, shoving the pill in his pocket, following his band mates.

He feels a hand on his back and it scares him, he turns to grab the door frame but catches a glimpse of James. He's smiling but he looks hurt and it worries Logan.

"Hurry up" James grinned, the look washing away as the smile took over his face.

Logan sighed, doing as he was told.

James is James, he wouldn't know.

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><p><strong>Went from past tense to present tense there.<br>Kinda intended... I wanted to add more feeling to it.  
>I'm doing it with the next chapter and by gosh, that one's so fun to write!<strong>

**Reviews are very muchly appreciated :}.  
>Thank you people.<strong>

**-C**


	5. Peace or Relive

So there he was, face to face with the mirror again, a small sense of day ja vu making him smile.

The choice, once again. The blade or the pill.

And if the pill did anything like it had the day before he would have taken the blade hands down. It hadn't help Luke, it had made him angry, it had made him hate himself even more but, it'd given him one on one time with James. He had cared, even if it had of been to save his own ass. That made it worth living the whole day over again.

The blade though, that'd bring him a sense of peace. He could remember Luke because who cares if it hadn't of meant the same thing as James' helping hand had. It'd helped; he'd forgotten the inner pain for a second. It was a well needed break.

He decides almost immediately, putting down the pill, not even taking a second to think before he's placing the blade to his wrist.

He wanted that break again, he's greedy, and he wanted to forget for just one second. He wanted to be free and to just not be able to think of anything.

As these thoughts pass through his mind, he holds back a scream, realising just how deep he's unintentionally gone and strangely enough, as he wriggles the blade around to pull it out of his flesh, he doesn't feel regret towards it. In fact, he feels happy. He's got proof that he's still a proper, half decent human being. He can bleed, feel pain. He can see the pain, he's got living proof, something that he can hold up in court.

He knows he shouldn't be proud. He knows he should kick himself for it and cover it up but he really doesn't want to. He can feel absolutely nothing and it's an amazing feeling. Nothing at all, the physical pain has starting to die too. Everything has.

"Logan? Dude you've been in there for like, nearly an hour. What are you doing?"

He can hear James from outside the door. His voice is hoarse with sleep but somehow, even when noticing this, Logan doesn't register his words. The blood that makes its way into the sink is holding all chance of answering.

Unable to hold himself up any longer, he falls, trying to grab onto the sink to keep himself up but he fails miserably, hitting the floor with a thump. His head comes in contact with the hard ground and he lets out a silent whimper.

He hears the rattle of the door knob, smiling slightly at how his common sense has managed to keep James from interfering. He's not quite there anymore, he's in dream mode. He believes that'll he'll just get up in a second and everything will be fine.

He hears the lock click and catches a glimpse of James holding a bent paperclip. He hates himself just as quick.

"LOGAN!"

He tries to get up, reality hitting him hard when he realises the amazing feeling is being replaced with a feeling of nausea.

"Oh my fucking god. Logan. Logan, stay with me. I'm going to call an ambulance."

And if by magic, Logan grabs James arm, his voice low. "No. I-I'm fine."

"YOU'RE FUCKING BLEEDING!" James screeches, tears falling from him as if someone's just turned on a tap fall blast.

And Logan's scared now because James is. James is never scared when it comes to something doesn't concern him and that's how he likes it.

"I-I don't want to go to hospital. I'm supposed to help people, not them help me." Logan whimpers, tears starting to blur his own vision.

And James cries harder, lifting him up to cradle him in his arms as they both cry.

He didn't want for this to happen. He'd wanted something better than the pill and he'd only had one other option. He'd thought it'd be worth it.

"Where's the first aid? I'll sort you out myself."

He doesn't want James to help him. He's supposed to be the professional here. He's supposed to be doing the helping.

"F-forget it I-"

"Logan, where's the first aid" James' voice is low and dripping with authority. Logan can't fight, not now.

"Under the sink" He tries to get up, move to at least give James a helping hand but James just holds him tighter, using one hand the fumble around in the cupboard in front of them.

Pulling out a green box, James lays him down, going through the box to get some disinfectant.

"It's clean." Logan breathes when he reads the label.

"How do you know? Bacteria or some shit could have got on that thing."

He hates that James read his book, he hates that he knows too much for his own good now. He liked it when it was just him who knew, he could walk in with a leg hanging off and if he said it was fine, everyone would have believed it.

"Because I cleaned it James. I'm not stupid."

"I think suicidal covers stupidity pretty well actually."

Logan growls at his words, trying to sit up but James keeps him down.

"I am not suicidal" Logan mumbles, glad he's won the argument of it not having to be cleaned.

"What did you think you were going get out of this? You're not a piñata! There was no candy coming out of this!" James has the same look. Reminding Logan of the other day and he really can't bare to see him like this again, not at the moment, not whilst he's finding it hard to breathe, let alone handle heartache.

"Because I wanted peace" Logan bursts, the tears starting all over again.

He feels James stop and he looks up to see he's nearly in the same state again, his eyes full of tears he'll surely shed soon enough.

"Logan..."

He looks away from James, unable to handle looking at him as he continues to involuntarily cry.

Although, he does look at him when he's brought into another hug, his wrist tightly clasped in James' hand.

"If you ever feel like that again, tell me. I don't care if I'm rehearsing or chatting some broad up. Just please don't do this, ever."

He nods, a slight unintended pun on the word 'broad' drawing fresh tears.

"Where's the bandages?" He asks rummaging through the box.

Logan frowns, thinking for a second before huffing in anger. "You and the royal idiot used it for Halloween when he was a mommy."

James doesn't laugh at the memory and that surprises Logan, James never normally turns down a chance to bring up his reckless ways.

"Wait here."

And he does; obviously, there's nowhere he can go. Nothing worth while he can do but watch James leave and return with a bandanna.

"James what are yo-"

"I can risk losing one". And now Logan's sure James needs his own medical attention, he can't just be prepared to ruin one if his prize possessions for Logan's sake.

"It needs to be sterilised." Logan sighs, finding any excuse not to take it and the truth does quite nicely.

"But I'm stitching it up. Won't it be ok?"

He watches as the normal James comes back for a second, confusion written across his face.

"Oi, you have to tell the patient first before you do things like that." He's joking and the smug look on his face shows it.

"I'm human! Not a doctor!" James laughs.

"Meaning?" Logan smirks, taking slight offence when James makes it sound like he's going to become an alien in the future.

"Came out wrong." He smiles looking through the box again before pulling out some butterfly stitches. "Will these do?"

Logan laughs, he loves feeling superior, he likes to know he's got something on James. "They're perfect! You don't need protective dressing if you have them!"

James frowns, making Logan stop. "Speak in words I understand!" James fidgets and Logan notices how irritated James is getting and he feels bad.

"Keep the bandanna. You don't need it."

"Right!" He grins throwing the bandanna to the side, taking out the butterfly's and frowning when he comes to the wound. He takes his hand away to look at the blood.

"I'll do it." Logan says sitting up but failing, again.

"No, I got it." James mumbles returning to his task.

And as if its second nature, he's pulling the skin together, applying the stitches with maybe a little too much force but still right and it has Logan watching in awe. He's so surprised to see James is capable of it, he's so proud of James _for _doing it.

"Is that right?" James dares to ask, surely knowing it was perfect.

"Dr. Diamond, that is perfect." He grins, finding new blood pumping through his heart and veins and thanking now that James had caught him when he did.

James laughs, a smug smile present. "Well I guess I do have smarts"

"You're the smartest person I know" He smiles blissfully, closing his eyes as he finds sleep so near. The lose of blood and excessive crying has made him feel drowsy.

He almost thinks he feels James kiss him on the forehead although he's not quite sure, sleep has almost taken over and he's caught up between the two worlds to be able to say.

"Night Logan."


	6. Drop dead

**So, tried to add humour to a miserable chapter last time and it's starting to get inpossible... Kinda realise this isn't exactly the funny and fluffy story I like reading. Dayum, I've gone against myself. This is _fun _to write!**

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><p>Waking up proved to be a hard task. He hurt all over. The idea had been new but it had gone quickly out of fashion.<p>

As he turned over to get out of bed, a big warm obstacle had him stopping and scanning the big sleeping angel on the pillow next to him.

He wondered if James had crawled into bed next to him just so he could keep an eye on him and the thought made him glower at the boy, even as he was asleep.

He thought about going back to sleep, pretending to have never of woken up so he could maybe hug James without being confined to time or touch limitation but of course, something had to ruin that idea.

"Am I interrupting?"

He jumped, making the sleeping boy scrunch and move at it disturbal. He looked up to glare at the smirking blonde, shaking his head once before moving to sit up.

"No. I was just planning my escape. He kinda takes up all the room."

"Did you?-" Logan stopped him mid sentence, shaking his head frantically, not wanting to scream in fake discuss but somehow wanting to get all his hidden anger out.

"Then why's he in your bed?" He hated that Kendall could have too much on him because when he did, his replies would be limited. They became totally and noticeably fake.

"I don't know..." He sighed, tugging his wounded hand away from James' loose grip. Reluctantly climbing out of bed.

"Whatever. Just thought I'd tell you Luke called and he said he'd be here soon. Me and Carlos are going down to the pool so if you need us you know where we are."

He nodded once, grinning at the blonde. Kendall only laughed, he'd been marked as the dad-like figure of the group not that long ago and wasn't helping case.

After a shower and a quick glance at the unappealing food in the fridge, Logan grabbed his coat and headed out the door in search for something worth stomaching.

The sun was shining. A perfect day for the pool but Logan didn't care. Partially because he was actually very embarrassed about his stitches.

Smiling at the quirky cashier, Logan walked over to the fizzy drink isle. He wasn't in the mood for eating; he was hoping that if he drank something the food in the house or anywhere else for that matter would have looked ten times better and if not, the fizzy drink would have hopefully fill the gap.

Reluctantly picking out a bottle fizzy drink, Logan checked it out, nodding and humouring the young redhead as she continued to talk about her life.

"Hey, your from that band aren't you?"

Taking the question as too inaccurate to answer, he asked, "What one?"

"Big Time Rush! Oh my gosh! You are! Damn, your hot!"

Blushing slightly at the interest, he nodded, picking out the money to pass over, "Keep the change."

The girl smiled fondly, writing a number on the back of his useless receipt, "And please, keep the receipt."

Nearly choking on his own shock, he took the receipt, laughing slightly before running out, happy to pass it on to Carlos later.

Making his way back, Logan thought about the night before. Proud for James in a way, angry with himself in another. He hadn't meant to bother James and keep him up. I guess you could say the lesson was that peace came with a much more hectic after shock.

Making his way into the apartment Logan dropped his bottle, spitting out the contents in his mouth at the sight of Luke and James lip-locked in front of him.

"Logan!" James squealed, pushing Luke off of him as went to somewhat greet the boy at the door.

Logan couldn't breathe, his heart had stopped and invisible tears had clogged up his throat.

James couldn't bring himself to say anything, he had an alibi but he couldn't bring himself to tell it. Luke on the other hand had no trouble with this.

"Logie, there you are! I came to see my baby and...this sick bastard decided to make a move! He can't keep it to himself! He's bad Logan! I-I... He's trying to break us apart!"

If it was because Luke had spoken up first or James was wide eyed with his mouth hung open as he tried to speak, Logan wasn't sure but he turned and walked out quickly, fighting the urge to burst right there and then.

He weren't sure if it was because he had caught Luke kissing James or visa versa but the fact this wasn't the first time James had taken something that was his made the tears harder to fight back as he fell into the arms of the _previous_ he'd lost.

"Logan, what's wrong...?"

He looked up at Camille, trying to stop himself breaking down in front of her.

"L-Lu- Ja-Jam-" He didn't know how to start. He didn't know who deserved to be named first. He couldn't say who he hated the most.

"Luke and James?"

He nodded once. Camille was so smart, so understanding, he hated the fact he couldn't give her the love she deserved.

The curly haired brunette spoke quietly, scared her loud voice would break the fragile boy, "Did they?..."

But Logan had adrenaline running through his veins and it was finally starting to kick in, "I HATE HIM! HE'S SO SELFISH! I'M GOING TO KILL HIM!"

This Logan was new and if he had been in his right mind, he would have probably of taken it back immediately.

"Hey Logan, what's going on?"

Ignoring the Latino, he ran for James who had just exited the lobby. Pulling off of Camille as she tried to pull him back down, James was lucky as when Logan went to swing, he had Carlos on him, holding him in an arm lock. Carlos was so much stronger than he looked.

"Car-CARLOS! Let me go!"

"Not if you're going to smash his face in!"

Logan fought; every muscle in his body was ready for a fight. Carlos would have been at it all day if James hadn't of spoken up, there was no way Logan was prepared to give in.

"Let him go..."

As soon as the restriction was gone, he leapt at James missing his jaw by inches when he was caught, James making a thing of not grabbing his injured wrist.

"Logan, he kissed me! He's using you! You know I wouldn't do that to you!"

A few people stopped to stare, making Logan withdraw.

"But that's the thing, you would! You did with Camille! Why can't I just be in love for once James? Why won't you let me just have this one? You can have anyone you want, why are you picking on me?" Maybe, just maybe he should have saved this soppy talk for private but he couldn't hold it back, he couldn't hold anything back anymore.

"You haven't slept, ate or left to go anywhere but his fucking place since you've been with him, you recoil every time he touches you, you're flunking...maths! Maths for gods sake! Oh and, my favourite, YOU CUT YOURSELF! Your version of love is messed up!"

The blood fell from his face as a few gasps took place behind him. He had to speak, say anything to pick himself back up. "It wasn't his fault."

James had never really taken much interest in shame, "Oh, so it's my fault?"

"Yes." He mumbled wanting to win this argument somehow without it being the talk of the pool.

"Then why won't you just do the world a favour and drop dead."

Logan stopped altogether, to stunned to speak. He'd meant it, his eyes were dark and his tone was meant as no joke.

Sneaking a glance at the just as stunned Carlos and Camille, he pushed pass him, running through the lobby, ignoring Bitters' rules as he made his way out of the front doors and into the streets of L.A.

He needed to find Luke, James had taken his sanity, took control of his smile and tarnished his essence. Luke _had _his heart, he'd given it to him and he didn't want it back. He didn't want to hear or think otherwise.

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><p><strong>...Yup.<br>****This story won't have much more to it. Couple more chapters maybe.  
>Thanks again for the lovely comments, I live for them so...=]...?<strong>

**-C**


	7. What the world can see

Logan wondered aimlessly, ignoring the rain as it continued to drip from his already damp face.

He'd more or less given up on looking for Luke. Even if he was to find Luke, there wouldn't have been much to say, on his behalf anyway.

He fell into the side of a bin, bringing his knees up and giving the narrow alley way a little more space.

Taking this as his only alone time, he sobbed, letting his silent tears have their own say.

When his phone vibrated he reached into his pocket, taking out his phone and reading the caller ID. The phone hit the wall with a crack in a beat. He didn't want to speak to Kendall; he didn't want to speak to anyone. Help from others never did anything, they didn't know how he felt, and they didn't know what to say. None of their words could heal the gapping, indescribable wound in his heart.

The touch of somebody had him reacting to a thousand volts. His heart readjusting at the site of Luke's beaming figure and smile, accepting his hand as he pulled him up and into the back door of an old warehouse that belonged to one side of the alley way.

"Logan, I love you. No one can change that."

Luke had spoken this way before. It was way too rare but defiantly a worthy treat.

Not finding the luxury enough, Logan leant in, glad to feel Luke do the same.

Firm hands lifted him off the ground and pushed him against the wall, making Logan giddy as he continued to suck on Luke's bottom lip, the thought of James being in his own place not that long before somehow keeping him there. Well, it kept him there to the point that frozen, wet hands were brushing the soft skin above his belt buckle and then he was pulling back, panting as he tried to relearn how to breathe and speak.

"L-Luke. No."

"Come on Logan, we've waited far too long for this. I need you." It shouldn't have hurt Logan to hear that, it should have made his heart swell up beyond belief and want Luke so much he'd go for it without thinking but it didn't. His heart fell, everything that was there a second ago had died. "No... No Luke, not now. I-"

"You like him don't you? I knew it! I didn't say anything because I thought you were better than that!"

Logan tilted his head, making level eye contact with Luke as he moved his dark fringe out of his face to look into dark eyes, gasping slightly at his expression. It was angry, hurt. But the need of air hadn't been for Luke; it was the person he could see in it. Logan had never really looked at Luke as anything else but the person he loved but now he was looking deeper, he was giving in to the shallow tradition, looking at nothing more than what the world could see. He was looking at James. The hair, the eyes, the irritated expression, it all belong to James and the thought was making him stroke Luke's cheek, love Luke even more. It shouldn't have meant anything, he should have retaliated, should have found it gross to see his friend in his boyfriend. "I am better than that babe. Who're you talking about?"

"JAMES!"

Logan froze, the name bringing him back to reality, leaving him gobsmacked as he tried to wrap his head around the name and the accusation.

"How could you? I've stuck my neck on the line for you! I've gone through so much and you just don't appreciate it!"

And Logan shouldn't have because he was in a irreversible position but he couldn't help it, he couldn't hold it in any longer.

"_You_ stuck your neck on the line for _me_? Give me a break! You're with a different person every night! You have a STD because you couldn't keep it in your pants! I can't even look at my own friends without you making me feel bad! I'm scared daily a-and the only person who stops me from caving in is...-"

"Oh, I haven't even begun on scary. If you want to see scary, I'll show you fucking scary!"

Logan squeaked, feeling Luke and the wall close in on him, clamping him beyond help.

"N-no, Luke! Please, I'm sorry. I love you! Only you! Please!"

His pleas were left to explore the abandoned warehouse as Luke's made his way back to Logan's belt, digging nails into the skin when Logan dared to react.

Any pleas were cut short as his t-shirt made its way over his head and onto the floor next to them.

Logan wanted relief, he wanted pain, it's what he lived for but this wasn't it. This wasn't quick enough; this would go on for too long. This didn't just give him something to look at; he was literally choking on every fear, the blows to his heart, everything that had built up over the last couple of months.

"This is overdue Logan. Stop crying! You led me on! He kissed me and you don't even fucking care!"

The fact that every word of pure bitterness that fell from clenched teeth was actually true had Logan sobbing even more. Maybe he did deserve this, maybe this was karma.

"I-I- Ple-please Luke. Please..."

He had cared, he'd cared way too much that James had kissed him and he'd forgiven Luke way too quick, not even that angry with him in the first place. He was angry with James, only with James.

Luke was by his ear now, spitting harsh words directly into his mind.

"Shut up you little slut. Don't worry; I'm not giving him the satisfaction. You can visit him from hell you cheat."

And then he stopped, falling into Luke's neck as he continued to work his 'magic'. Every fight left in him ended as Luke managed to pull down the rest of his clothes, tears falling onto Luke and down his wet body.

Maybe he did deserve it, maybe this was the least he did deserved. He'd heard it from Luke so many times and now James had said it. The thought of Luke taking revenge for possibly everything he had done and said made him ache but he tried to ignore it, he tried to ignore everything and wait for the nothingness.

And then there's a tug and suddenly he was on the floor, Luke gone and sharp cold air taking his place.

A few seconds passed and then he was hearing James' voice. It was far away and even though it seemed angry, it was still belonged to James. A wave of relief ran over him at the thought of it being over, that afterlife would be taking over and all the pieces that were making him human would be gone.

"Logan, I'm taking you home. You and Luke are over."

He reacted to the touch, eyes opening almost immediately when James insisted on helping him dress, humiliation taking over his traumatised mind. James took it the wrong way because he was holding Logan, forcing him to stay where he was as he continued to help.

"Logan, I'm sorry but I'm not allowing him near you."

"O-Ok." he whispered, giving in straight away.

He had no excuse for Luke now, he'd saved Luke so many times and now he had nothing to defend or fight for.

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><p><strong>Feeling like I got Logan back in a way...lol. Not my intention but feeling it.<strong>  
><strong>Thanks again :).<strong>

**-C**


	8. What else?

**No word of a lie, I have written this chapter seven times... I couldn't come up with a perfect ending without it...just ending? Then, when I did manage to get a half decent ending, my computer decided to commit suicide this morning and I was left with a vague memory of it. So, here it is, again...x7?  
>Thank you for the lovely reviews people and happy early birthday present ChaoticLullaby.x.<br>**_CheekyBrunette  
>AllForCarlosBTR<br>jakegirl  
>XxBIGtimeDREAMERxX<br>ChaoticLullaby.x  
><em>**^Thank you.**

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><p>The car ride was awkward. Every now and again James would look over and every now and again, Logan would pretend he didn't see.<p>

The silence was awful. Questions did occupy Logan as the silence literally fed on the death of the moment; he couldn't bring himself to move out of the comfort of his own knees. He couldn't read James' expression and he didn't want James to read his.

Finally, James leant over, flicking the play button on the stereo, filling the dead car with a little bit of life.

_Don't be so sentimental, no  
>This is love is accidental, so<br>Give it up  
>This was never meant to be<br>More than a memory for me._

Hearing a low chuckle, Logan watched James lean over, pressing the button swiftly before turning back to the road.

_It was just another foolish quarrel  
>Won't you end it with a kiss<br>And just remember this  
>Except the TIME I said I love you<br>I didn't mean a word I said_

James flicked again, agitation appearing through his shaking hands.

_Don't you ever wonder why I'm like this?  
>Vanity hides my only wish.<br>They come and go,  
>But you mean more than you'll ever know.<br>Stop and please look,  
>I want you to open me like a book.<em>

"Oh, come on!" James whined, ripping the tape from the player and throwing it into the back seat.

Staying within the comfort zone, Logan reached over into the glove compartment to pull out the iPod he had left in there a couple of days before. Flicking through his list, he blindly chose a song.

_Watching you die, watching you die  
>Your blood is on me, I'm<br>Watching you die, watching you die  
>Your blood is on me, I'm watching you die<br>Watch as your life fades away  
>Your pain is masked by your decay<br>It's like acid dripping in, I see it burn but don't wipe the skin  
>It's not my fault once again...but there's blood on my hands<em>

He heard James gasp and as he looked over to the boy who was practically trying to rip the steering wheel off, he turned off the music, throwing it back into the compartment in a flash.

By the time Logan got out of the car, James was already inside and on his way back to the apartment.

Logan did contemplate the stairs when the lift didn't come straight away but decided against it when realising the energy he had left would've probably have taken him up half the staircase.

When he made it into the apartment, the place was dark. The kitchen was the only source of life, the light was on and the rustle of kitchen appliances echoed through the place.

He walked pass, glancing in quickly before making his way into the bedroom, deciding he didn't want to part with his clothes quite yet as he climbed into bed.

A few minutes of attempted sleep passed before the light was switched on and clothes were being thrown around the room as a little version of world war 3 took place on James' side of the room.

"Can you keep it down?" Logan mumbled, his voice not able to reach an average level as traumatisation and embarrassment still laid there with him.

James didn't respond though. He just sat on his bed, faced away from Logan and clutched his hea- Wait, his hand was bleeding!

Without thinking, Logan shot out of bed, joining the other boy on his as he grabbed his hand to examine the cut.

"How did you do this?" He gasped thinking the worse at first.

"I punched him." James sighed, not attempting to pull back his hand. But James didn't move, didn't look at Logan as he did his thing.

"Good." Logan frowned, angry that James had got himself hurt in a way and glad Luke had something to 'remember' him by in another.

James looked at him now, anger, confusion and relief written all over his damp face. His eyes were blood shot and his lips had teeth indents.

"What else have you not been telling me Logan?" The question seemed to be more of a warning than an actual enquiry and Logan panicked a little, sure a secret he wasn't even that bothered about would come up.

"Since when do you take drugs? Have you got anymore round here?"- There it is.

Logan froze. His excuse was justifiable but out loud it seemed so stupid. "L-Luke-"

"Oh there we go! LUKE! What I said earlier, I don't take it back Logan. I do wish you'd drop dead. I want the old Logan back. The little nerd who was fun to rip on and force into double dates, the friend who would be so fucking impatient I'd go to him as a last resort for homework. The one I secretly tried to impress by sitting up all damn night doing it myself so I was a little bit more worthy next time we had a stupid project. I miss that annoying little brat Logan. Do you know, I gave up Charlotte Miles. I GAVE UP CHARLOTTE MILES! I gave her to Kendall in exchange for having you for one stupid History project. And all you did was complain about how I couldn't help or how my mirror had a fucking magnet! I want that little shit back because at least I didn't have to lay on the bathroom floor with him as he fought for his life! What if you had died huh? Do you think the court would understand, 'Hey, yeah, sorry about my friend. He just really didn't want to go to hospital and I'm a sucker for the tears. Please don't arrest me for man slaughter your majesty!'"

"I-I-" Logan whimpered, trying to think of something to say, anything that would stop the guilt from eating at him because he had no way of apologising and meaning it.

"LSD Logan! Do you know how fucking serious that is!"

Logan didn't understand, at no point did he actually try a specific drug. Not that he knew of anyway.

"Carlos nearly took that drug you left by the sink last night! God knows what you took the other day as you laid there in the studio begging us to forgive you, end your life and at some point when we were putting you to bed you said something about the your rabbit being at peace with the toilet monkeys and now they're taking revenge on your soul or something. I cried so fucking hard! And I flipped out that night! I nearly attacked you because that's how bad I was! I sat up all night making sure you was asleep and not trying to escape my evil clutches because for a second I was him Logan and I could have slit my throat right there and then knowing that!"

Logan must've done something because James was speaking quietly now, reversing the hand holding so he had the upper hand.

"What happened to the Logan who wouldn't drink half a glass of wine on Christmas when his _mom_ offered it to him, the boy who'd become my dad when that cool kid offered me some drugs. You made me do homework to forget about it! Who the hell does that? Please Logan, please be him again..."

Logan shook his head, looking away as James made eye contact for the first time. "Because... I can't James. I- He- James, I just want it to end. That Logan had you three and that's it. He was bullied because...oh I don't know, whatever flaw stood out that day. But you guys were too caught up in your own lives to care and I totally understand that but I need to cope too y'know. I keep coming up with ways to end the thing that's making me insane at the time and each time the new solution becomes a much bigger problem! I just...want something that doesn't make things worse. A moment of pure harmony without a life time of chaos."

And James seemed to understand because he was leaning in, clouding Logan's mind as he ran his tongue over the lips that still technically belonged to Luke and as said tongue made its way into his mouth all he could think about was the way the new saliva was washing Luke away, every part of him disappearing and being replaced with someone else. It was perfect, he was actually at peace, well, he was until he realised who he actually had in his mouth, who he was swallowing and who'd stay in him until someone else took that away.

Eyes snapping open in an instance, Logan pushed James off, holding his shoulders to make sure James nor him for that matter, could make that same mistake again.

He'd become another one to his collection. He belonged to the long list of sluts James had had his tongue down the throats of. He'd fallen into his little trap. He'd crept up on him, taken Camille, taken Luke and now he'd taken him. He'd lost James' stupid, stupid game.

Logan left the room, running over to fall behind the swirly slide as he tried to forget what had just happened. Every single smile maker, dreadful memory killer had something much worse to it and now, he'd kissed James and his heart was so happy, it was going to fall way too hard.

"I'm sorry" He turned to look at the boy at the bedroom door, leaning against the door frame to keep himself up. His voice was weak and the pleading tone had Logan close to ripping out his own hair.

"Sorry? Oh, no, it's fine. Who cares?" Logan laughed, jumping up to pace aimlessly around the room.

"I do. I'm not trying to put our friendship at risk...-"

"Oh god! I didn't think of that! That is it! Everything's finally blown up! Well, I call Minnesota."

"No."

And as he tried to make his way through the crowded door way, he was pulled back, pushed back into the main room and turned to be pinned up against the wall.

"I'm not ruining my only chance. I don't regret it. I have waited years for that and I'm not letting some idiot who's brain washed you, ruin it. I love you Logan, so much. So fucking much and Camille, Luke or even our friends aren't going to tell me any different."

"You seriously need to cut down on your swearing, it's becoming a hab-" And James went for it again, ruining the moment as the old Logan shone through, deciding to swallow it instead of listening to it.

Then it was hitting, every feeling, everything that was hidden was rearing it's seen to be ugly head and if only he'd known it'd be this amazing, instead of jumping to conclusions every time it dared to show itself.

"I love you." James whimpered, every cool muscle in his body appearing to dissolve in Logan's mouth.

"He helped me get over you. I didn't want to face the fact I was helplessly and unconditionally in love with you. I love you James. James, I love you."

The last four words seemed to echo through his mind, the pleasure of being able to say it aloud instead of letting it boil up in his head getting to him as he continued to fall into each and every single meeting of the lips. But then James had him up, making his legs straddle his hips as he continued to kiss Logan.

"No." Logan whispered, refusing to move away as James was forced to breathe the other boys air (Not that there was any complaining).

"No what?" James whispered back, a frown clearly in his tone.

"I'm not ready for...this. Not yet. Today was horrible. Please just give me some time, maybe tomorrow! Although..."

He didn't need excuses or a pleading voice though, James stopped, smiling and nodding against the other boy as he stood there, eyes closed.

This is what Logan had wanted, this is what he'd wished had happened earlier. He'd never seen so much understanding and that thought had him light headed.

"So...what now?" Logan asked, moving to look at the serene boy. He didn't want to move from this spot, just watch the boy as the same smile of contentment laid on his face.

"Sleep." The boy grinned, looking up at his lover finally, "We both need our sleep."

Nodding, Logan tried to climb down, finding himself being carried to the bedroom like a baby when he couldn't.

But he didn't mind, he rested into James' neck, breathing in everything of his hero as he sat him on the bed.

He watched James strip and took a second to realise he should have been doing the same. When finally ready, Logan went to climb into bed, feeling James pull him up and embrace him from behind, resting his arms lazily at his hip bones as he turned to face his own wardrobe door mirror.

"Its all mine." James sighed, smiling lazily as he looked the boy up and down through the mirror in front of them.

"I can be the cool boyfriend that you tell everyone about. The one you spend all night thinking a about and wanting more than anything when something goes wrong. The one that shows you how you should be treated, not punished."

Logan laughed, taking the compliment quite nicely as he watched James through the mirror bury his chin in the crook of his neck, "I need to be punished to sometimes y'know."

Laughing softly, James leant forward, meeting Logan half way for a kiss.

"I love you James. Love you, love you, love you." Logan grinned, feeling the need to say it as much as humanly possible. He met James' gaze again sighing once before speaking, "There's a lot I need to apologise for and tell you."

"_Darling, I hate to see you so angry with the world. If people want a piece of you then they're missing something for themselves . Maybe it's selfish of me to look at you and say "Come back to me, I love and I'll stay_""

A nice combination of James' harmonic voice and the strain of the letter 's' and 'y' on his neck had Logan melting in the other boys arms, holding onto a hand to keep his heart clinging on for dear life. He forgot about his comment and fell into him.

"_Cause I love your smile. Yes I love your smile. How I love your smile. More than you know._"

Making a point of flashing Logan's signature grin at him, he pulled him into bed, not attempting to stop James once as he stayed in tune.

"_Sometimes I might seem cold holding back my sympathies. For people stories people tell can so easily be believed ; The truth gets so distorted when everyone knows best and sadness tends to find his friends on the road to righteousness - Darling, let's never be a part of that._"

Nodding once at the appropriate lyrics, Logan tucked himself into James large frame, feeling James curl around him as he carried on singing softly.

"_Cause I love your smile. I love your smile kid, I love your smile. More than you know_."

Coming to rest his hand on James arm, Logan felt sleep creep up on him for the first time in what seemed like forever.

"_I don't know why a laugh is hard to find. Could it be all of your fears that we hide behind? Like bricks in the wall I wanna see them fall down!_"

Giving into it finally, Logan drifted, leaving the boy to finish off his song. But James didn't mind, he'd sung to Logan so much in his sleep, he was happy Logan had been awake for most of it this time.

"_Cause I love your smile. Yes I love your smile. How I love your smile that angels make, a perfect moment craves. Our future's safe with that smile of yours. I love that smile more than you know._"

They both went, James finishing with a yawn and the song ended, smiles of contentment seeing them to sleep as they stayed in the arms of each other.

And the next morning wasn't quite like any other, Carlos did throw food, Kendall did enjoy the fact he had been right about another thing but Logan didn't mind, all the food throwing, jokes and Katie confusion was fine because he got to experience it all in the arms of his own personal angel and all the scars, all the commotion and Luke business got lost in that cloud nine through gentle kisses and perfect methods of forgetting.

Logan had finally found something to kill the pain and bring more than a moment of happiness.

* * *

><p><strong>The End.<strong>

**So yeah... Sorry, had no help with the ending here. I tried.**  
><strong>Either way, thank you.<strong>

**Darn, now I have nothing to write... Bored, lol.**

**-C**


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